Behold perfection and never doubt my buttocks again.

It’s true! I have taken woolly string and purposefully destroyed it in my Sudsomatic Splashaplenty 5000.

People said to wash it two or three times at 60C but that sounded like loser talk to me so I set the lasers to kill and added a couple of armadillos to the wash for extra friction. I thought I would take a little photo of my new fuzzy bag while the Professor is hammering the Splashaplenty back into working order.

The physics of felting seems to defy all logic. The red stuff shrank a lot more than the purple stuff, so I don’t have the little red ridge that should be around the bottom o’ the bag, and the cord round the top needed all my brute monkey strength to stretch wide enough to fit over the cardboardboxatronicbagstand. Still, I now have a bag that is purple and sturdy and exactly the right size for carrying bricks.

For my next trick I will turn a swami turban into a Christmas present for a little old lady.

And the debil shall walk upon the window and nibble at your houseplants.

I don’t know what it is, but I know I don’t like it. This planet is a bewildering and scary place for a little monkey far from home.

Fwitened.

Hello.  I am Dangerous T. Badger and Super Monkey says I can put photos of me and my adventures on here.  Unfortunately I have the lurgy right now so am lying in my badger bed and not having any adventures today.

This is a picture of me.  As you can see I am rather small and so typing necesseitates me tapdancing across the keyboard; in order to do this successfully I channel the spirit of Roy Castle to help me.

The next day, when the Professor was all dried out and calm, we decided a play in the forest was in order. We packed some special lunches and trundled off towards the trees. Our first decision on arrival was which walk we would take. One of the paths had a much prettier sign than all the others so I decided that was the way we should go.

The woods were cool and refreshing and full of fantastic sticks. We had lots of fun playing light sabres and hitting woodland creatures about the head when they popped out to see what all the noise was. Here I am playing with a particularly fine stick. I decided to call him Geoffrey The Stick. I think the name suits him.

All that stick fighting and ambushing of small animals made me a bit tired. I’m not used to so much walking, being a monkey of the skies, so we stopped for a little sit down.

It was getting a little bit dark under the trees and the Professor said it was time to go back to the hotel for milkshakes. But when we turned round to go back the way we came I WAS AMBUSHED!

The red devil only had the better of me for a moment. Being the most powerful monkey and bestest ever in a rumble it didn’t take me long to beat my foe into submission.

The fight lasted but a few minutes and soon my opponent was gasping for air and begging for mercy. Being a kind and benevolent monkey, I only kicked him a couple of times when he was down. You can’t see it in the photo, but he was covered in sticky dragon blood and the Professor had to fetch me my cake eating cape from the car which of course I had only intended on wearing in the evening after dinner. But my playing in the woods cape was ruined so I had no choice.

As he lay in his little puddle of sticky oozings he told me how sorry he was for attacking me, but he was so bored in the woods and just fancied a bit of a punch up. I understood this feeling of bored bloodlust completely and so instantly forgave him his minor transgression, but extracted a promise that he would foot the dry cleaning bill for my cape. He readily agreed and we shook hands on the deal.

Thorpney (for such was his name) then joined us for our after walk drinkies and chatted to us on all sorts of subjects. I never knew such a small dragon could know so much about jam!

We parted as friends, and Thorpney promised he’d visit us for Christmas and bring lots of presents.

The third great love of my life (the first being bananas and the second being chocolate hobnobs) is the sea, and so it was to the sea that we pointed the Monkeymobile. Taking care not to stop while we were still on land, we got out at Lymington. There were many shops in this town, and also a purveyor of fine pizzas. Burp.

There was a lovely marina in the town, filled with many pretty boats.

And it wasn’t long before one of the boat owners approached me where I was sitting on my happy wall and offered to take me on a sea voyage. The Professor was a little wary of the sea captain, but I was eager to be afloat.

Fortunately, I’m an excellent swimmer for a monkey and it only took me four hours to get back to dry land. My cape suffered some salt damage, but I had packed a spare and so wasn’t greatly concerned.