One of the greatest traditions on this puny mysterious planet is that of the birthday of Santa. Every year on this date, he travels all over the planet shoving presents down the chimneys of monkeys. They say he has a list of all the naughty monkeys and that they don’t get any presents but thanks to the Professor, we now know that this isn’t true at all. Perhaps he hasn’t updated his software.

I wrote many letters to Santa, using all the false names I could think of, so as to maximise my pressie potential. Bless his fat belly, for he fell for my cunning scheme. Next year we are going to build five dummy trees to increase our chimney capacity and really go for it.

Here you can see my chocomalits and fondue set, jimmy jams, Makalu yarnamajigga, blanky bag and most excellent Baccara CD. Yes sir, I can boogie!

Here is more chocomalit and yarn with pretty pattern and book. A pirate dictionary in readiness for my summer adventure on the high seas. A game to teach me how to properly use a siege engine, also to prepare me for my summer adventure and a selection of hybrid fighting cutlery, foons and knorks, again for my summer adventure.

Here is the complete knitting treasury collection and more yarn. In the box beneath is a slow cooker for extracting information from enemy midgets. I also have some new pointy needles for poking them with.

With these new powerful weapons I AM UNSTOPPABLE!

FANKS SANTA!

It has come to my attention that naughtier elements of the blogging world are travelling from blog to blog and telling people that they’re tagged.  I’ll have you know I clean my fur on a regular basis and am a most hygienic monkey!  I am not, nor have I ever been, covered in tagnuts and I take great exception to those of you spreading these awful rumours.  I refer you to the photo on this very blog of my own spotless bot.

On my homeworld of planet Donkey! Monkey! I hold the record for Most Glossiest Tum.  Do you think they would award such an honour to a bespeckled-bottom filth monkey?  I THINK NOT!

Lately I have been mostly working on a commissioned piece called ‘Rabbit with a capital ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR’.

I’m smuggling him out of the country, as customs are a bit funny about sharp hooks. They can have your eye out apparently. I know because the bunny told me.

I’ve been rushed off my feet trying to get the rabstravaganza ready in time for Christmas so I’m afraid I’ve neglected my reports. The High Council are not best pleased and have cut my nana ration until I post again. Most upsetting.Obviously I don’t have everything in place just yet, but I’ll put up what I’ve acheived so far in the hopes that it placates the High Council’s GREAT RAGE.

Ahem.

So first off I divided the rabbits up into two groups. Staff and talent. In all honesty none of them are particularly talented, so I’m a bit staff heavy at the moment. But you have to work with what you’ve got and it’s only 25 days now till The Big Event.

Chips is a particularly troubled rabbit. He has pyromaniac tendencies and a great loathing of DIY stores. He had a recent run in with the law when the local Focus mysterious burnt to ground, but they had to release him due to lack of evidence. That’s the trouble with rabbits. They’ll eat anything. I can’t claim that Chips is particularly suited to the job of Maitre d’ but he’s the only one the uniform fitted.

As you can see, we’ve finally reached the point where he’ll stand still and not eat his own tie, but there’s still a lot of training needed before he’ll direct people to their tables without stopping for a nibble on the legs. I was thinking about switching to metal tables, but that’s really just admitting defeat and I will not be beaten by a rabbit.

Next up is Boscov. Boy can that bunny make a mean omelette. And I do mean mean. He doesn’t quite have the knack of cracking the eggs and mostly just kicks them till they smash in the pan, so there’s a lot of shell and bunny poo mixed in. Plus he can’t open the herb jars so he tends to just drop some hay in for added texture and it’s all pretty vile. Still, tradition demands a floppy eared chef so my options are limited.

I’d like to end on a high note though, and here he is, the pinacle of my rabbit training achievements and the grande finale to my Christmas rabstravaganza.

Isn’t he splendid? El Supremo can pull a wheelie like nobun else you’ve ever seen. I’m sure he’ll more than make up the crunchy brown omelettes. Of course, I do have to glue his feet to the bike, but that’s really not a problem unless he doesn’t clear the shark tank. I’m not going in to fetch him back out again and it’ll take ages to train one of the other rabbits not to chew holes in the cape.