We were planning on going camping at the weekend, and being a space monkey of elegance and refinement I can’t use the same sleeping bag twice, so I quickly knitted up a new one.

Unfortunately, it turns out the colours give me nightmares so we’re going to the seaside instead.

I can finally reveal the fruits of my secret knitting labour, because the recipient was very naughty indeed and opened her present early. When I’ve finished writing this I’ll have to pop round and give her a slap.

Here we can see Sherwood getting in touch with his feminine side.

The pattern is Floral Mesh from one of them there Treasury of Knitting Pattern books, and the yarn is Felicity, I think, from Posh Yarns.

They sign up to a site and they ask a question and then they argue with every bloody thing you say. But you can’t tell them to piss off, even though they’re the ones being rude, because you’re the one that would be banned. You could try insulting them somewhere else in the hopes that they read it and know it’s about them, but that would be petty and space monkeys are above that sort of thing.

Now this isn’t aimed at anyone in particular, it’s just a random observation on life. So, if you read this and think I’m talking about you, well then there must be some part of you that realises you’re a bit of a twat and maybe you should address that and be a little bit nicer to the people that have taken time out of their day to help you with your problem only to be insulted by your ignorance in return.

I cannot stress how important it is to always check your tension when starting out on a new project. I know we all want to rush ahead and get started on the next exciting knittable, but such rush and hurry can end in DISASTER.

You’ve got the right yarn and the right needles. What could possibly go wrong?

I’ll tell you what went wrong.

IT DOESN’T BLOODY FIT!

It was so pretty too. 4 ply cashmere from Hipknits knitted in the imaginatively named ‘Scarf’ pattern on p100 of Victorian Lace today. Woe am me. Woe for monkey.

Yet another of my creations that I’ll have to give away to a freakishly tall bald Earth type ape.

Suggestions please!

I have 500g of fuzzy sparkly stuff and not much idea of what to do with it.

It’s quite soft, and there’s probably enough there for about 20 Christmas thongs if no one comes up with a better idea.

No knickers! Maybe I’ll knit those next month.

Lana Gross Mega Boot Stretch is scabby, scabby yarn. It splits, it unravels, it’s no fun to knit with at all. Bad mojo.