Apparently zoo security leaves a lot to be desired.

Eric was in for pie theft. It was inevitable he would follow us home once he got a sniff of us.

Eric’s pretty cool, so he can stay. We largely agree on world politics and The Solution To Chimps. I took a few photos to make sure I got at least one worth keeping. Whatever it is must have been moving so fast I didn’t see it at the time.

I’ve not seen it since and I don’t know what it is, but all my crisps are missing and there’s a funny smell in the airing cupboard.

Then later on we were attacked by a sodding lizard!

I’m an ace fighter so I manage to knock him out cold pretty quick, and the Professor wasn’t backwards in coming forwards either. Needless to say, I shall be writing a very strongly worded letter of complaint to the zoo, and perhaps even to my MP!

I am now more convinced than even that signing up to my robotics course was The Right Thing To Do. With my robot legions covering tree house security my time will be free to spend defending the weak and destroying the chimps.

This is Pedro. He’s a little simple, but entirely bloodthirsty. He’ll be sharing Boscov’s cage until we get a chance to finish off the gun turrets.

Saturday’s excursion to the needlework show resulted in minimal booty. Two skeins of 21st Century 4ply in Fiesta (this was the most insane colourway they had) and some silk caps for spinning and making knots with.

The place was packed to the rafters with crumblies and they did not like interlopers. The stall holders were the nicest to me they ever been. This is because I am young and beautiful and didn’t hit them with my walking stick or pay in copper coins.

Just finished a slanted eyelet scarf from the Margaret Stove lace. It’s all floaty light and soft. It’s lovely stuff, just a shame it comes in such teeny skeins.

And in my spinnables, I have finished the Super Monkey Signature yarn and it is very scary in a cheerful sort of way.

The red is for my cape and bloodlust while the yellow is for my belly S and honour. It will be crocheted up into a granny square blanket for the Baby Pie just as soon as I finish my secret Badger knitting.

Last and probably least is a crinkly bag what I felted in the machine and then went out and forgot about. Can you iron them flat? It took two balls of that there Knit Picks stuff. I have included a bear for reference.

I never realised there were so many criminal animals in this country, but last week we visited one of your many prisons for furries and witnessed the sad truth with our own monkey eyes.

Badger was already there when we arrived. It was her birthday so she’d cleaned up her stripe up to a special shine.

Idoru and her pet mouse 5150 were a bit late, so we settled in for a wait.

I do not know what crime these monkeys had commited, but they were in a fairly open enclosure so I assume it was something corporate. I wasn’t scared though. Not even a little bit.

Because it was so open and easy to escape, they made the inmates wear special stripy outfits so they’re easy to spot. This made Badger a little uneasy and she got some funny looks from the other visitors.

When Idoru and 5150 arrived they were wearing their people suits. I can’t give away their secret identities for security reasons so you’ll just have to trust me that they were there, because they were.

One of the most disturbing places we saw was the maximum security enclosure for the filthy chimps. These evil creatures cannot be trusted with even the smallest amount of liberty and must remain behind bars for the rest of their unnatural lives.

This dirty beast (the one behind the Professor) is in for badgercide. Despicable fiend. I wasn’t scared though. Not even a little bit.

See how noble the mighty monkey is in comparison with the filthy chimp.

These are the penguins. I am their king. I explained to my companions how these are British penguins and I rule them with a furry fist. See how they worship me.

They have beautiful singing voices, and they know all the words to the Donkey! Monkey! anthem.

Badger believed the zoo propaganda that there are no penguins from the northern hemisphere and so I was forced to get the passport from one of my subjects as proof.

The zoo is home to many unusual creatures. Here we see the rare treehorse. Some claimed it was moulting, but I know battle scars when I see them.

With so many of these animals locked up together, we are clearly looking at a major criminal gang. Bank robbers perhaps. The zoo has many rehabilitation schemes to help these unfortunate creatures back into society. These treehorses are retraining as a boy band.

We visited the area where naughty bears are detained but saw none.

I suppose bears are too noble to commit crimes.

Or perhaps they’re just too clever to get caught.

Either way, we shall always remember safari as the day we almost saw a bear. I wasn’t scared though. Not even a little bit.

Hippos are fat wet horses that like to swim in their own poo. They are best avoided and one should never invite them to posh dinner parties. Especially not this one.

This is where the terrorists are kept. They have been tortured on racks until they give up important information on the enemy.

I wasn’t scared though. Not even a little bit.

Sealions are the free spirits of the animal world. These ones were arrested for public nudity. They will flash their bits at anyone. We think that sealions have retractable willies because we could see the sea clitties but not the sea cucumbers. Maybe I will look it up on wikipedia and report back when I have more information. The thing to remember about sealions is they really like fish.

By now we were quite hungry, so we went for lunch.

Badger can really pack it away.

This is me on the safari train. We had to sit right at the front because 5150 threw a big tantrum. It was very embarassing and some angry nuns told us off for it. He’d had too much sugar at lunch and was uncontrollable.

There were lots of animals on safari train. This is us looking at some donkeys. The donkeys are not looking back at us. I wasn’t scared though. Not even a little bit.

This goat is a drink driver. But not all the criminals were locked up.

Badger was very brave and bit the groper’s hand off. I wasn’t scared though. Not even a little bit.

The ostrich is called Derek, and he got 6 months for telling bad jokes on a Thursday.

Death row. So sad.

This lot are notorious cutlery thieves.

Some say elephants never forget. Well this one forgot a whole bunch of stuff. The law and his dignity chief among them.

We kept the arrangements for the safari pretty hush hush, but my fan club still found me.

We’ll be sending signed copies of this one out to all the fan club badge holders!

There were lots of animals here. To be honest I’d stopped paying attention by this point.

This beautiful tiger is in for stalking.

I wasn’t scared though. Not even a little bit.

…is not my special gift.

Still, at least it will be bright. That’s 66 of them done now. Only, erm, 229 to go. Oh woe.

I’ve been jolly busy on knitting chores for people, and unfelted bags aren’t very interesting so I didn’t bother taking photos. Plain man socks are also uninteresting, so I didn’t take pictures of them.

I did make some pretty purple and green socks though.

I done that there Rowan Dolly bag what I had a kit for. But I don’t much like it.

And I have my special jolly French resistance accessories ready for next winter.

Also, I need a plan for this stuff.

It’s 200g of chunky Silkwood yarn.  Dunno what the meterage is, but the other skein I had made a scarf that was taller than my aunt.  Admittedly my aunt is a midget, but it’s still a fair bit of yarn.  Suggestions on a postcard please.